Reports are coming in of widespread carnage and destruction across the midlands after a photo emerged of a tree that has blown over just outside Tullamore.

The incident happened in the Springfield area of Cappincur and it is not yet known if any injuries or fatalities occured. Emergency services are at the scene including 4 fire engines and 8 ambulances. A Garda air support helicopter is also hovering over the scene.

There are more unconfirmed reports emerging of widespread devastation in many midlands areas.

In one heartbreaking incident a woman left a Mullingar hairdressers and began her usual 5-minute walk home as she has done countless times before. Unfortunately by the time she got to her house her hair was all tossed and messy.

Drivers are also being warned not to take any unnecessary journeys as several small puddles have began to appear on some roads and they’re probably a bit splashy.

Overall people are being urged to stay indoors and not leave the house. Unless of course you need to do a bit of shopping or maybe go to the cinema or the local pub. Anywhere you want really. Just make sure you wear a coat. It’s a bit nippy out.

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American singer Beyonce has revealed that she intends to record a version of Pat Shortt’s Jumbo Breakfast Roll.

The hugely popular star said she heard the song for the first time just recently and decided there and then that she wanted to record her own version.

“I heard it on the radio during a recent visit to Ireland and I was blown away. I immediately knew I was listening to a genius at work. It’s a work of art.”

Beyonce explained what attracted her to the song in the first place.

“All the great songs have universal appeal. They speak to everyone who hears them. The guy in this song is hungry and he wants something to eat. Who can’t relate to that?”

So what can fans expect from Beyonce’s version?

“It’s gonna be old school hip-hop and I’ll probably need to change a few words because I don’t know what a rasher is but the bit about black and white pudding really touched me. It’s clearly a reference to racial harmony. Black and white, side by side. It’s symbolic. Even on a breakfast roll.

“And I really love how the song ends with the emotionally powerful line ‘I do in my hole’ which I guess refers to the hole we all have in our lives that needs filling. I know my hole needs filling.”

Beyonce’s Jumbo Breakfast Roll is due for release next month.

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British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has posted a message on social media congratulating Simon Harris on his new job and said he looks forward to working with him soon.

Mr Sunak posted “Congratulations Simon Harris on becoming the new Teashop of the Republic of Ireland. Britain has always had a great relationship with Irish Teashops and I’m certain that will continue with Mr Harris, and although we find it both silly and hilarious to call your Prime Minister a Teashop, we’re sure the Irish have their reasons.”

Following his election as Taoiseach yesterday, Simon Harris said that he can’t wait to get to work and to start making Ireland a country to be proud of once again.

He’s been in government since 2016 but apparently he’s going to start doing it now.

At Leinster House later today Fine Gael TD’s will line up to give Mr Harris 37 kisses on the cheek for being the best little boy in Dáil Eireann. The event will be broadcast live on RTE1.

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Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle stunned the entertainment world yesterday when she revealed her incredible new look in an exclusive photo shoot and interview with style magazine Fashion Weekly.

The 63-year-old is completely unrecognisable after one of Hollywood’s top plastic surgeons gave her a million dollar makeover.

Susan told Fashion Weekly that her incredible transformation has changed her life completely, joking “I won’t be stuck for the ride anymore that’s for sure.”

The new image obviously comes with a new attitude too because musically Susan has gone in an entirely different direction from her previous work.

“I’ll tell you right now you can forget all that ‘I dreamed a dream’ bollocks.” she said. “I only sang that shite because Simon Cowell made me. He tried it on with me last night too the ugly prick. I told him where he could shove it. In a blender, that’s where.”

So what kind of music can we expect from Susan in the future?

“I’ve always been a hip-hop girl at heart and it was a dream come true when my two biggest heroes in the world, Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre, agreed to produce my new record. I’m old school so you’ll hear a lot of influences on there like Tupac, NWA and Grandmaster Flash. Proper hardcore.”

Susan Boyle’s new album ‘Songs For Bitches’ will be out later this year.

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Meteorologists have discovered the reason behind the slightly warmer weather Ireland is gradually beginning to see.

Professor Charlie Wren from the University of Scientific Stuff said the research was carried out over several years and no expense was spared.

“In one particular study we went outside when it was 9°C and it was fairly cold. Then we went outside on another day when the temperature was up to 12°C and it was slightly warmer.

“We can therefore say with absolute certainty that slightly warmer weather is due to slightly higher temperatures.”

Fascinating. Next week, rain. Why does it make you wet?

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A horse that crossed the finish line first at today’s Grand National was left devastated after being told he did not win the race.

Al Capony lost his jockey Johnny McEvoy at the second fence during the big race at Aintree but continued to run the full course, crossing the line a full 50 lengths ahead of I Am Maximus in second place.

However, horses that lose their jockeys are immediately disqualified and I Am Maximus was crowned the winner. Al Capony was furious after being told the news and said he was sure he had won.

“This is bullshit!” said Al. “Nobody told me anything about having to carry your jockey over the line. If I knew that I would’ve went back for the little prick.”

Capony said he was back in his stable celebrating when he heard a commentator on the radio saying Paul Townend had just won the Grand National on I Am Maximus.

“I thought I was hearing things. I mean seriously. It’s not fair. It’s called a horse race, not a horse and jockey race. I was so far ahead of I Am Maximus I almost lapped the c*nt.

“And what’s all this nonsense about Paul Townend winning the race? Did he run around the course jumping over fences while having his arse whipped? Did he f**k! A horse won the race. At least get that bit right. Humans are such dickheads!”

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Planning permission has been granted for a complete revamp of O’Connor Park in Tullamore, the home of Offaly football.

The upgrade will make O’Connor Park the biggest stadium in the country and when completed, it will have a capacity of 120,000.

Offaly GAA President Paddy Molloy said he can’t wait to see the finished stadium.

“The absolute state of some of the GAA grounds in this country. They’re an embarrassment. Well not here. We think big in Offaly. Soon we’ll be the envy of every county in Ireland. Even those Jackeens with their precious Croke Park. Let me tell you something, this stadium is going to make Croke Park look like Kenilworth Road.”

He also said O’Connor Park won’t only be used for GAA matches.

“Our stadium will be the top concert venue in the country. The world’s biggest artists will perform here. Taylor Swift is already booked. Apparently she recently bought a pub in Tullamore and moved in upstairs.”

Construction work on the new stadium is set to begin tomorrow.

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Ireland have been made red hot favourites for gold medal success after hurling was added to the list of sports for the Paris Olympics.

The GAA have been campaigning for many years to have Gaelic Games included in the Olympics and it seems their hard work has finally paid off.

GAA President Paddy Bracken said it’s not only a great day for Ireland, but also for the Olympic Games.

“Finally a proper sport, played by proper men in the Olympics. I’ll tell you one thing, you won’t see any spandex wearing ponces with gold earrings on the hurling pitch. Imagine one them them lads getting a good clatter of a hurl. They’d be in hospital for a month.”

Gaelic games actually made a brief appearance at the 1904 Olympics in an unofficial capacity when Fenians FC from Chicago beat host team St Louis by 10 goals to nil.

However, this announcement confirms that from now on, Ireland’s favourite homegrown sport is officially an Olympic sport and will be showcased on the world’s biggest stage in front of a global audience of billions.

UPDATE: Due to no other country entering a team, Olympic Hurling has been cancelled indefinitely.

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Taylor Swift has surprised fans worldwide by including a version of Irish rebel song Celtic Symphony on her new album.

The American singer, who recently bought a pub in Tullamore and moved in upstairs, is known for her Irish republican views and proudly chants “Ooh Ah Up the Ra” on her version of the song.

RTE Radio 1 presenter Joe Duffy was fuming on his show this afternoon, calling on listeners not to buy the album. Within an hour it had become the fastest selling album of all time in Ireland.

Taylor Swift often breaks away from her own music during live performances and throws in an Irish rebel song here and there, like ‘Come out ye Black and Tans’ and her all time favourite ‘Go on Home British Soldiers.’

During a recent interview on CNN in the States, she was asked if she was worried about isolating her fans from the Unionist tradition in the north of Ireland.

She replied “Listen, I love all my fans. Just not that shower of weirdos. I mean seriously, if you want to be British, move to Britain. It’s not rocket science.”

Taylor Swift’s new album ‘Chucky Our Law’ is out now.

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A Dublin man is wondering if ‘tap to pay” technology has reached “down the country” yet.

Tony Breslin will be attending a wedding in Mullingar this Friday and wants to know if he needs to bring loads of cash.

“I just tap now when I go out in Dublin but they probably haven’t got that yet down the bleedin’ country. I suppose I could take money out of a cash machine when I get down there but I can’t be sure if they have them either. I wouldn’t say they have.”

Tony said another problem with his weekend away is his beloved Liverpool are playing the next day and the game is on Sky Sports.

“Obviously they don’t have Sky Sports down the country and we’re playing the Hammers at 12.30 so I’m going to have to get up early and get back to Dublin for kick off. No way am I staying down there to watch some boggers playing GAA on TG4 when the ‘Pool are on.

“It’s a pity coz the day after a wedding is always great craic and I have Sky Go and I can watch the games on my phone when I’m in Dublin. It’s just a shame they don’t have internet down the country.”

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