The President of Ireland, Michael D. Higgins, is shrinking rapidly and it seems nothing can be done to stop it. The rate of his decline has shocked and baffled experts and nobody seems quite sure what’s going on. Mister Higgins’ official state visit to Australia had to be cut short and he flew home this week after doctors realised he’s now a foot smaller than when he got there last Wednesday.

Doctor Pascal Duffy is the President’s personal physician and he broke the news during a press conference outside Áras an Uachtaráin this morning. “Many of us lose some height with age but not like this.” he told reporters. “At his current rate of shrinkage I’m afraid President Higgins will disappear altogether before Christmas.”

Alarm bells started ringing when a photo of the President and Taoiseach Leo Varadker began circulating on social media last month. The pair were attending the All-Ireland hurling final in Croke Park together but in the picture it looked more like the Taoiseach had brought along an Oompa Loopma.

Mister Higgins is now the same height as an average 3-year-old boy. At a dinner in Buckingham Palace recently during his official visit to London, a waiter mistakenly sat the President of Ireland at the kid’s table with the royal grandchildren and served him nuggets and chips with a plastic cup of Ribena. When the mistake was noticed the Queen had the waiter taken outside and shot but by then the damage had been done.

“This is a serious situation.” said Doctor Duffy. “Well, the health situation is serious. Obviously what’s happening to him physically is hilarious. When he sneezed earlier he banged his head off the floor and I was pissing meself. He tried to go for a walk in the Phoenix Park this morning and a group of children began chasing him around some bushes and demanding that he grant them three wishes.”

Eventually the President himself came outside and spoke to the media for a brief moment.  As always he seemed upbeat and in good spirits. “This may be a difficult time for me but with the help of friends and family I intend to beat this thing.” he told reporters. “And at least I’m still taller than Bono.”

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Google Ireland has launched a new internet search engine which is exclusively available to people living in the Dublin area. Ask Me Bollix went online this morning in the capital and it is hoped that it will become the search engine of choice for people of all ages. Liam Ryan is head of Google’s Irish operations and he told us the intention is to appeal more to local people.

“Ask.com is a search engine that is gaining in popularity across America right now so we decided to go in the same direction but to keep it local. AskMeBollix.com is more user-friendly and familiar to the people who’ll be using it.”



Liam told us that the naming of the search engine was a close run thing with Ask Me Hoop and Ask Yer Aul’ One also quite popular but he said they’re very happy with the final decision. So how did they settle on the name and what exactly does it mean?

“When you Google something you’re asking the internet a question and Ask Me Bollix is a popular response to a question for many Dubliners. It’s just a bit of craic really. For example, I was walking down Grafton Street the other day and a tourist asked me if I had the right time so I told him to ask me bollix and kept walking. It’s just banter.”

Darren told us that they intend to launch search engines exclusive to other parts of Ireland too and are currently test running ‘Ask Me Hole’ in the Cork area.

NOTE: For our non-Irish readers, a literal translation of ‘Ask me bollix’ is ‘Please redirect your question towards my testicles’. For ‘Hole’ see Anus.

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A 19-year-old girl has been left traumatised after posting a status update on Facebook that she thought was hilarious but her friends thought was shite. Emma Bracken is recovering at the Midland Regional Hospital in Tullamore after suffering serious injuries to her ego when only two friends liked her post about Donald Trump.

“It was really funny too.” Emma told reporters. “I called him a wanker and everything. What’s not to like about that?”

Recent statistics show that around 5% of all admissions to Ireland’s Accident and Emergency units are victims of Facebook Trauma and that number is rising steadily. Doctor Patrick Byrne is a Consultant Neurologist at Dublin’s Beaumont Hospital and he says it’s becoming a national epidemic.

“Many victims have suffered a lack of likes or had a friend request ignored while others have sent drunken private messages to people they secretly fancy. We’re also seeing an increase in physical injuries which tend to happen in the morning time when people go scrambling for their phones after they wake up and suddenly remember what they posted the night before. No matter what type of Facebook Trauma a person has suffered, all victims tend to have one thing in common – they’ve all made a cunt of themselves.”

Meanwhile back in Tullamore Hospital Emma Bracken finally plucked up the courage to log back into Facebook and posted a heartfelt and harrowing account of what she’s been going through, explaining how the trauma of being ignored online can lead to feelings of worthlessness and isolation. Sadly it only got one like.

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A 36-year-old man who was sent to the local Aldi store by his wife for just four things somehow managed to get three of them wrong. Thomas McGuire – who was forced to go shopping for the first time ever because his wife Deirdre was in bed with the flu – said it was one of the worst experiences of his life and he never wants to see the inside of a supermarket again. “Oh my God there’s hundreds of things in there, maybe even millions.” said a distraught Thomas. “How the hell was I supposed to find those exact four things in the middle of all that?”

Instead of bread, milk and eggs Thomas brought home cheese, toothpaste and a tennis racket. The fourth item was a box of cornflakes which he somehow managed to get right. Unfortunately Thomas put the cornflakes on the ground while opening his car and drove off without them.

A recent survey carried out by market research company RegCom suggests more men are going into supermarkets today than ever before. “Our results show that the type of gender stereotyping that applied in previous years is no longer valid.” said Chris Conlon who carried out the survey. “Men play a far more active role in household chores these days and that includes grocery shopping. Unfortunately most of them tend to make an absolute balls of it.”

Chris also told us that the introduction of 24-hour opening in some stores has brought additional problems for male shoppers. “We’ve had instances where men have been found wandering up and down supermarket aisles at 3 and 4 o’clock in the morning having gone in there several hours earlier for a pint of milk.”

Meanwhile we caught up with Thomas McGuire the day after his shopping nightmare. We thought he might like to hear all about online shopping and when we explained it to him his head practically exploded. “You mean you can do the shopping without going to the shop?” he shouted excitedly. “Then why the f**k would you ever go to the shop?”

Thomas immediately opened an account with tesco.ie and finally – to the relief of his still unwell wife Deirdre – ordered the items he was supposed to bring home the previous day. This time however he managed to get all four of them wrong.

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Residents of a Dublin suburb were overwhelmed with joy last night when a local man who was trying to turn on his Christmas lights on the 9th of November was electrocuted and died. Neighbours of 63-year-old Paddy Delaney from Castleknock said he’s been turning them on earlier every year and it was really starting to piss them off.

“I asked him to stop doing it.” said Paddy’s next-door neighbour Tom Dwyer. “I kept telling him that as soon as he turns his lights on all our kids start whinging at us to turn our lights on but he wouldn’t listen. In fact he started turning them on earlier every year just to annoy everyone even more. Prick!”

A safety examination of the house found that Mr. Delaney was adding way too many lights to an already overloaded power source and trying to change a plug during heavy rain while resting his ladder on an overhead power line.

Mary Corcoran lives directly across the road and said she witnessed the whole thing. “He was up there on his ladder with lights hanging out of him everywhere. Next thing there was a bang and he went flying over the hedge into next door’s garden with his head lit up like a firework. God Almighty what a thing to witness. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as much in me life.”

Around this time every year the debate comes up time and time again about how early is too early for Christmas lights and decorations. Some people say it’s never too early to bring a bit of joy into the world while others believe it should at least be left until the beginning of December. Whoever may be right one thing is certain, the unfortunate Paddy Delaney won’t be taking part in that debate ever again.

“Paddy wasn’t all bad and I do have a tiny bit of sympathy for the man but at the end of the day he was a selfish prick and most of us living around here won’t miss him.” said his wife Anne.

The post Neighbours Delighted As Man Trying To Turn On Christmas Lights Is Electrocuted appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

A local office worker has decided that for every 10 minutes of work she does she should spend the next hour on Facebook. Yvonne O’Leary, 27, believes it’s the least she deserves and that her employers are lucky to have her.

“You can’t be working yourself into the ground.” said Yvonne. “Health guidelines say that for every 10 minutes spent staring at a computer people need to take a one-hour break so in a way it’s the law. I just like to spend my break staring at my phone.”

Health guidelines actually suggest that for every hour spent looking at a computer people should give their eyes a 10-minute break and maybe also stretch their legs but Yvonne sees things a little differently.

“After I’ve typed an exhausting email or finished a gruelling phone call I like to take a breather by going on Facebook and telling everyone that my thoughts and prayers are with the victims of the latest tragedy or by sharing a video of a fat kid falling on his arse. It can’t be all work and no play you know. That’s just not healthy.”

Recent statistics show that more than 89% of us regularly go online while at work to watch funny videos, stalk our ex-partners and argue with strangers in the comments section of news stories, costing the Irish economy around €9 billion a minute in lost productivity. Yvonne however doesn’t care.

“I don’t care.” she said proudly. “I read online the other day when I was meant to be working that a happy workforce is a productive workforce and I’m never happier than when I’m on Facebook so that means I’m helping the economy so you can shove your statistics up your hole.”

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U.S. President Donald Trump fulfilled one of his election campaign promises this week when he legalised gun vending machines. The new weapon dispensers will soon be available to use in all 50 states and the President and his supporters hope they’ll become a common sight in shopping malls, airports and bars across America.

The most controversial part of the new legislation is that it also allows for gun vending machines to be installed in schools and so far more than 18,000 colleges and high schools have ordered one. At a rally in Texas the day after signing the bill a defiant Trump hailed it as a great day for America.

“The next punk who tries to shoot up one of our schools is in for a big surprise.” he told an enthusiastic crowd. “From this day forward our children will be heavily armed and ready to kick some ass.” Trump’s supporters immediately erupted into cheers and began firing shots into the air while chanting “U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.”



Every year more people are shot dead in the United States than in any other country on Earth but the President and his supporters do not believe America’s gun culture is to blame.

“Gun massacres are not gun related and this is not a gun issue.” explained Mr. Trump. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill guns. Or whatever way that goes. I can’t remember. What I’m trying to say is people have mental issues but guns don’t, therefore guns are great and people are awful so don’t go blaming guns because they’re not mental, you are. You’re mental.”

We spoke to Chuck Johnson – head of one of America’s biggest gun enthusiast groups Christians 4 Guns – and asked him if he really believes having gun vending machines in schools is a good idea.

“I can understand why people are concerned when they think about little kids going around with these big guns but that’s simply never going to happen.” he assured us. “The gun manufacturers are making small guns that fit perfectly into the hands of children. They’re just as powerful but the smaller size means kids can get a firm grip on their weapons and comfortably blow some mother fucker’s head clean off without hurting their little hands.”

President Trump also used the occasion to update his supporters on the progress of the wall he intends to build along the Mexican border, telling the crowd that the design is now in the final stages and that he believes the wall will be built and completely finished by the end of 2020. Mexican President Enrique Nieto welcomed the announcement and said he intends to have his tunnel under the wall finished around the same time.

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Irish actor Liam Neeson is poised to play Ibrahim Halawa in an upcoming biopic which is due to start filming early next year. The Ballymena hunk beat a number of high profile actors to the part including Daniel Day Lewis, Cillian Murphy and Edward from Jedward.

Born and raised in Dublin, Ibrahim Halawa hit the headlines in 2013 when he was arrested in Egypt after accidentally giving a speech to 20,000 Muslim Brotherhood Supporters at a political rally in Cairo. Having spent four years in prison awaiting trial, Ibrahim was finally released in October of this year and received a huge traditional Irish welcome from his supporters and friends when he arrived at Dublin airport to chants of “Allahu Akbar!”



Two weeks later Halawa was a guest on The Late Late Show on RTE1 and big-time Hollywood producer Chuck Johnson just happened to be in Ireland at the time and was watching from his hotel room in Mountmellick. He immediately decided he was going to make the story into a movie. We spoke to Chuck – who tends to swear quite a lot – and asked him what audiences can expect. He told us we’re in for a real surprise.

“The escape scene is gonna make Die Hard look like Mary fucking Poppins.” he told us excitedly. “He’s gonna bust outta prison by blowing the gates off the wall and – with a big cigar in his mouth – machine gun the shit out of hundreds of guards as he makes his escape. Fucking bodies everywhere! You guys are gonna love this shit.”

We told Chuck that that’s really not what happened at all but he didn’t want to hear it and told us he knows movies and he knows what audiences want.

“Hey this is Hollywood baby. Anything goes. The final scene for example is gonna see him jump from a speeding car onto the wing of a Ryanair plane flown by President Michael D. Higgins as hundreds of Egyptian Police chase him down the runway while riddling the plane with bullets. I don’t wanna spoil it for you guys so I’m not gonna say any more but trust me, this movie is gonna make Terminator look like The Sound of fucking Music!”

Other cast members confirmed are Colin Farrell as Leo Varadker, Brendan O’Carroll as Mrs. Halawa (Ibrahim’s mother) and Verne Troyer (Mini Me from the Austin Powers movies) as President Higgins.

Rumour has it that Ibrahim Halawa’s father – Ireland’s top Muslim preacher who recently said in an interview that Allah will punish all gays in the ‘next life’ – has asked for the Leo Varadker character to be a straight man with a wife and eight children.

The post Liam Neeson To Play Ibrahim Halawa in Upcoming Movie ‘Escape From Egypt’ appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

A huge demonstration on the streets of Cork City yesterday heard that the people of Ireland’s rebel county overwhelmingly reject interference from Dublin and believe they should govern themselves.

Mayor of Cork Tony Fitzgerald told an enthusiastic crowd of over 40,000 people that the time to strike for Cork’s freedom in now as he gave a rousing speech in which he officially declared Cork’s independence from the rest of Ireland and demanded a hard border.

“In the name of God and of all the glorious generations of Corkonians from Michael Collins to Graham Norton, from Sean Óg O’Halpín to The Frank and Walters, Cork, through me, summons her children to her flag and strikes for her freedom.”



We spoke briefly to Tony after he gave his speech and suggested that maybe he was being a bit mental. He disagreed.

“Listen shite-bag.” he replied. “We have our own customs and our own traditions and we have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with those Jackeen gobshites up in Dublin. Today we sever all ties with the West-Brit government in Dáil Eireann and take control of our own destiny.”

The Mayor then boarded a waiting helicopter and fled to Brussels where he said he intends to stay until the Irish government lift his arrest warrant.

Meanwhile in Dublin a government spokesman said there is no such warrant and they have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. Taoiseach Leo Varadker – who was attending an event in Kildare this morning – was asked what he thinks about the Mayor’s situation. He told reporters “I think he should go back to Cork and stop acting the bollocks.”

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Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle stunned the entertainment world yesterday when she revealed her incredible new look in an exclusive photo shoot and interview with style magazine Fashion Weekly. The 52-year-old is completely unrecognisable after one of America’s top plastic surgeons gave her a million dollar makeover, transforming her from a frumpy dumpling into an absolute ride.

Susan hadn’t been seen in public for several months and rumours were rife that she had gone under the knife at Dr. Marco Van Hasslehoff’s private clinic in Beverly Hills. It is believed she spent the last two months recovering from her procedure at the Hollywood mansion of her good friend Simon Cowell and as our picture shows, the results are amazing.

Susan told Fashion Weekly that her incredible transformation has changed her life completely. “I won’t be stuck for the ride anymore that’s for sure.” she joked. “Even Simon tried it on with me last night but I told him, you wouldn’t give me one when I had a fat arse and a moustache so you can piss off now pal. Ugly prick!”



Susan said she had liposuction, a tummy tuck, a face lift, breast implants, a hair transplant, a skin peel, facial contouring and an all over body wax. “In fairness my arse was as hairy as a gorilla’s – but that’s all gone now and I’m ready for action so come and get it boys.”

The new image obviously comes with a new attitude too because musically Susan has gone in an entirely different direction from her previous recordings.

“I’ll tell you right now, you can forget all that ‘I dreamed a dream’ bollocks.” she explained. “I only sang that shite because Simon made me. I’ve always been a hip-hop/gangsta rap girl at heart and it was a dream come true when my two biggest heroes in the whole world – Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre – agreed to produce my new album.”

Susan Boyle’s brand new Christmas album ‘Songs For Bitches’ is out now.

The post Susan Boyle Completely Unrecognisable After Million Dollar Makeover appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

A 36 year-old local man is desperately hoping that he doesn’t make a total cunt of himself yet again at his office Christmas party. Accountant Brian O’Connor has a history of getting absolutely shit-faced at the annual company night out but is adamant that it’s not going to happen this year.

“I’ve had a pep talk with myself in the mirror and I assured myself that I’m not going to do anything stupid this year.” said Brian. “It’s time I took responsibility for my own actions and stopped making a holy show of myself in front of all my work colleagues.”

So what sort of things does he usually get up to?

“Oh you know, all the classics. I tried to snog someone last year. Called the boss a wanker. Fell asleep drunk. Pissed meself. Tried to burn the venue down with everyone in it. The usual stuff.”



With such a terrible track record, how is Brian going to ensure that he doesn’t do anything like that again this year?

“Easily.” he told us. “I’m not going to drink. It’s that simple. Why I didn’t think of this before I don’t know but better late than never. This is actually going to be the first year I won’t be spending all Christmas dreading going back to work in the new year because of what I did at the office party. It’s a new me and a new beginning. No more feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I now look forward with confidence and pride.”

UPDATE: Brian’s office Christmas party was last night. Unfortunately after getting absolutely hammered drunk he stuck his tongue down his boss’s wife’s throat and threw up in her mouth before eventually falling asleep under a table and shitting himself.

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A study into the effects of watching BBC soap opera Eastenders has revealed that it is the number one cause of clinical depression in Britain. The most miserable television drama in history is responsible for more diagnosed cases of depression than loneliness, alcoholism, personal trauma and spousal abuse combined – probably because it contains all those things in every episode. It has also been cited as the reason behind many incidents of self-harm. Concerned welfare groups are calling for the BBC to either cancel the show or to write some happy scenes.

Jennifer Wilson of suicide prevention group NSDA said the results of the nationwide study are cause for serious concern. “I don’t watch Eastenders myself because I’m not a huge fan of misery and death but I watched ten minutes of an episode for research purposes last month and ended up in intensive care for two weeks after stabbing myself in the head.”



Eastenders reputation for being the most joyless, depressing thing on television goes back many years. They even aired an entire episode once of popular character Pat Butcher dying of cancer and saying goodbye to everyone. But why do the show’s writers keep producing such gloomy, dreary scripts? We asked executive producer Kevin Russell and he told us that the story lines are what make Eastenders so gritty and real.

“You call it depressing but I call it gutsy. The real world is full of people crying, dying, getting mugged, divorced, attacked, cheated on, raped, beaten up and murdered so that’s what we focus on. Eastenders is all about keeping it real and if a few viewers end up topping themselves well I think that’s a price worth paying.”

So what can fans of the show expect in the coming months? We asked Kevin if he could give us an insight into any future Eastenders story lines. Unfortunately he wasn’t eager to reveal too much.

“Sorry but I’m sworn to secrecy and I really don’t want to spoil it for anyone but rest assured we’ll continue to keep it real. I’ll just leave you with these two words for now and give you a little hint of what’s to come. SUICIDE BOMBERS. It’s gonna be epic.”

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An Irish Catholic priest has admitted that he said the C word during mass just to see if anyone in attendance was actually listening to his sermon. The sensational admission was made by Father Michael Gorman who is a parish priest in the town of Ballymore in County Kerry. Father Gorman used the expletive during 12 o’clock mass last Sunday and explained why he did it to local newspaper Kerry’s Eye.

“I said it out of pure frustration. If I’m honest it’s been coming for a while. Every week I’m up there looking down at a bunch of uninterested hypocrites just going through the motions and not listening to a word I say. It’s always the same old tired faces just sitting there yawning, coughing and farting. Checking their watches every five minutes wishing they were somewhere else.”



So what possessed him to actually say the C word on this occasion?

“It was a spur of the moment thing. I spotted at least four people who were asleep and another fella playing candy crush on his phone. It just annoyed the shite out of me so I decided once and for all to test my long held belief that they never pay attention to what I’m saying up there.”

So what exactly did he say?
(WARNING: The following paragraph contains the actual C word.)

“I slipped it into a passage I was reading from the book of Genesis. The line goes ‘The Lord called to him and said “Where art thou?” I changed it to ‘The Lord called to him and said “You’re a cunt.”

Holy shit! What happened next?

“Nothing happened next.” said Father Gorman. “Someone coughed. Someone else farted. An aul’ one in the front row scratched her arse. I was right. None of them noticed because they weren’t listening. They never fecking listen.”

Amazingly, Father Gorman said he doesn’t expect any disciplinary proceedings against him due to the chronic shortage of priests in the Catholic church in Ireland today.

“Oh I’ll be fine. Only one man became a priest in Ireland in the last five years and he’s 96. We’re a dying breed. I could say mass bare-arse naked next Sunday and they wouldn’t kick me out of the priesthood. If I did nobody would notice anyway.”

Father Michael Gorman continues to say mass in Ballymore every Sunday.

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Residents of a village in County Offaly are denying that Donald Trump’s great-grandfather lived there before emigrating to America in 1894, even though genealogists have clear proof that he did. The village of Mucklagh is situated just three miles outside Tullamore and looks set to receive international attention for being the ancestral home of the controversial American President. Local people however are not happy and are trying desperately to cover up the story. Even Parish Priest Father Heaney told us when we contacted him by phone “You can’t prove it – now feck off and leave us alone.”

Catherine Stanwick from Ancestry America told the New York Times “It was remarkably easy to trace President Trump’s family history. His great-grandfather Dinny Trump entered the United States through the immigration centre on Ellis Island in New York in 1894 and gave his former address as Mucklagh, County Offaly, Ireland. We even managed to find the house he grew up in.”

When local people in Moneygall in County Offaly discovered that Barack Obama’s ancestor Falmouth Kearney had lived there before emigrating to the United States, his house was preserved and returned to it’s former glory for the historic visit of the former President in 2011. Unfortunately by the time we arrived in Mucklagh, local people there had knocked the Trump house down, buried the rubble and concreted over it.



However, we found that there is actually a Trump still living in the Offaly village today – 63 year-old Barney Trump – and he bears a striking resemblance to the current American President.

We caught up with Barney in local pub Kelly’s Roadhouse and he agreed to an interview if we bought him a pint. We began by asking him if he thinks he could be related to Donald Trump considering the new information that has come to light and the fact that he is a dead ringer for the President. He was having none of it.

“Listen shite-bag,” said Barney,  “I look nothing like that bollocks and I don’t have any relations in America so stop spreading nasty rumours about Mucklagh. There’s no story here. If you really want something to write about there’s a Chinese looking lad over in Edenderry and he’s the image of that Kim Yong-Un fella in North Korea. Get yourselves over there and start looking into that. Now buy me another pint and then feck off and leave us alone.”

Meanwhile in Washington, Donald Trump has been informed about Ancestry America’s findings and has already made contact with Irish government officials to begin preparations for a Presidential visit to Mucklagh later this year. It is not yet known when the visit will happen but Offaly County Council have already began removing all road signs throughout the entire county in the hope that he won’t be able to find it.

The post Offaly Village Trying To Hide Links To Trump’s Great-Grandfather appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

Former X Factor stars Jedward have been told by the department of social welfare that they risk having their dole stopped unless they can prove they’ve been actively seeking gainful employment. Anyone in receipt of Job Seekers Allowance may be asked to provide evidence that they have been looking for work and Jedward – who list their skills as jumping up and down and doing scissors kicks – are no exception.

Work has been scarce for the Dublin twins since they were last on our TV screens back in February 2017 when they were beaten by one of the Nolan sisters in Celebrity Big Brother. They seem to have fallen out of favour back in Ireland too. Only last month the boys were booked for the official opening of an off-licence in Borris-in-Ossory in County Laois in front of an estimated crowd of over 12 people but they were dropped at the last minute when first choice celebrity Richie Kavanagh became available again.



“We’re just taking a break from showbiz at the moment.” said Edward (clearly lying). “Since we parted company with Louis Walsh (he dropped them) and stopped doing Christmas panto’s (they were dropped) and left Universal Records (dropped) we’ve been busy working on our greatest hits album.” (they only had one hit)

“That’s right Edward.” said John. “All of our hit on one album. It’s gonna be jepic. It’s gonna be jexcellent. I’m so jexcited I could shite rainbows out of me arse.”

Meanwhile back at their local Social Welfare office, Jedward told staff that they are currently in discussion with RTE regarding an upcoming project that will see the boys back working full-time again. RTE bosses confirmed the claim explaining that two kitchen porter positions have become available in the staff canteen and the lads start next week.

The post Jedward Asked To Prove They’ve Been Actively Seeking Work appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

Met Éireann has issued a ‘Fierce Cold’ weather warning for the whole country for tonight with some counties also expected to be pounded by slight frost. The initial warning was ‘Fairly Cold’ but this was upgraded to ‘Fierce Cold’ as conditions deteriorated overnight.

Conor Molloy of Met Éireann gave us the meteorological explanation and the scientific meanings behind the various levels of Irish weather warnings. “Basically when ‘Fairly Cold’ gets a bit colder we call it ‘Fierce Cold’.”



As the east coast of the United States continues to get battered by snow storms, Ireland is experiencing our own frosty conditions – especially in the west with people there claiming it’s just like living in New York.

“We’ve been going through all sorts of mad weather lately.” said 45-year-old Galway butcher Derek Connolly. “Just last week the temperature dropped to 3 degrees and then suddenly without warning it plummeted to 2 degrees. Absolute carnage!”

Meanwhile Conor Molloy at Met Éireann says people should take all necessary precautions and be sensible during the incoming Fierce Cold spell. “I would urge people to listen carefully to official instructions. If you’re having a few beers tonight do the sensible thing and leave them outside on the window sill because Fierce Cold weather is ideal beer chilling weather.”

So what’s the forecast for the rest of the week and should we expect the Fierce Cold conditions to get better or worse?

“The last thing we want to do is cause panic but if things continue as we expect them to we’ll have no choice but to upgrade our weather warning from ‘Fierce Cold’ to ‘Fierce Cold Altogether’.”

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Many young women in Ireland today are completely oblivious to the fact that not only does pouting not make them look sexy, it actually makes them look like a baboon’s bum-hole. That’s according to fashion expert and make-up queen Diane Yardley who was in Dublin this week for the launch of her new make-up range at Brown Thomas on Grafton street. Britain’s most successful style icon had a few choice words for today’s trout-pout generation while talking to reporters.

“It’s become a worldwide epidemic.” she explained. “I see it on social media every day. How can anyone think that’s a good look? I’ve been trying to figure out what it reminds me of for a while. Then I was on safari in Africa last month and when all these baboons jumped onto our car and stuck their big red arses against the window it suddenly dawned on me. It was just like looking at a photo of my teenage daughter and her friends on a night out. Honestly it was uncanny.”



Things have gotten so bad that it would seem most girls are now actually incapable of taking a photograph without pouting. Figures from the Irish Passport Office in Dublin show that a staggering 96% of passport applications last year from young women were rejected on the grounds that they did not have a ‘neutral expression’ in the accompanying photograph.

“I’ve never known anything like it.” said John Daly who processes passport applications. “It’s a non-stop barrage of pictures of girls sucking in their cheeks and sticking out their lips. They all look like they’re doing an impression of a deformed fish.”

Meanwhile if any of our readers are having trouble trying to picture exactly what a baboon’s arse looks like and how girls pouting their lips can resemble one, we hope this photo of a baboon’s arse helps.

The post Most Young Ones Still Unaware Pouting Makes Their Face Look Like A Baboon’s Arse appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins has confided in friends that he hopes he’s dead and buried if Donald Trump ever gets around to visiting Ireland as President of the United States. Trump was last in Ireland three years ago when he tried to buy County Clare but that was as a private citizen. As a head of State he would traditionally be welcomed to Áras an Uachtarán by the President of Ireland.

“I don’t know if or when he’s going to darken our shores again with his presence.” said Mr. Higgins. “But God willing I’ll be six feet under before I’m ever called upon to officially welcome that prick to Ireland. I apologise for my language but honestly, the thoughts of worms munching away at my decaying corpse fills me with joy if it means I won’t have to shake hands with that orange faced bollocks.”



As we reported exclusively here last week, genealogists have found a link between a village in County Offaly and Trump’s great-grandfather so a visit may well be on the cards sooner rather than later, perhaps even this year. If that is the case then a meeting between Higgins and Trump is surely inevitable. President Higgins however is adamant it’s not going to happen.

“Oh I’ll think of something, don’t worry. Something tells me I’m going to be on the lash down in Galway that week. Lanky balls Leo can show him around town while I go AWOL. There’s a seisún and a barrel of porter in Spiddal with my name on it. Someone give me a shout when he’s gone.

The post President Higgins Hoping He Dies Before Trump Visits Ireland appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

Construction of Kim Kardashian’s brand new arse implants has been completed and they are now ready to begin their journey by sea to the reality star’s Hollywood mansion. The enormous fake arse cheeks will be transported on the navy vessel the U.S.S. Intrepid which is normally used as an aircraft carrier. They were made at the Westburg Naval Shipyard near Seattle in Washington and will be lifted onto the aircraft carrier by crane. Weather permitting Kardashian should have her massive new hole in about two weeks.

The new implants had to be ordered after Kardashian’s previous arse exploded on a recent flight from New York to Los Angeles. It is believed the pilot took the plane above 40,000 feet to avoid turbulence. Unknown to Kim, when implants fly above 35,000 feet they have been known to explode and that’s exactly what happened in her case.



Kim Kardashian and husband Kanye West haven’t been seen much in public since Kim gave birth to their new daughter on January 2nd. She announced on Twitter the next day that the baby would be named Shitweasel. The couple already have two other children, Milkshake and Hair-Dryer.

Doctors have previously warned Kardashian of serious health implications if her arse gets any bigger but it seems she is determined to have the world’s biggest mega-butt. Meanwhile U.S. newspapers are reporting that child protection agencies have pleaded with the couple to stop giving their kids such stupid fucking names.

The post Kim Kardashian’s New Arse Implants Ready To Ship appeared first on Ireland on Craic.

A study carried out by a team of academics who have nothing better to do has confirmed that people who leave the room to take a phone call are almost certainly talking about you. The results show that you are absolutely right to feel paranoid when a family member or work colleague’s first reaction when their phone rings is to get as far away from you as possible before speaking.

Professor John McIntyre from Trinity College carried out the study and said the results are very revealing. “We found that a staggering 98% of people who walk away from you when their phone rings do so because they’re going to be talking about you and you can be sure it’s not going to be anything complimentary. What this shows more than anything is that we as a nation love nothing better than some juicy gossip and a good bitching session.”



But surely there’s more to it and people have many reasons for wanting to go somewhere quiet to take a phone call. We put it to the Professor that maybe people are simply talking about a private matter and therefore need some privacy.

“That’s bollocks!” said Mr. McIntyre who uses some very colourful language for a Trinity College Professor. “Less than 2% of people have a genuine, non-gossipy, non-bitchy reason for not wanting you to hear what they’re saying. The rest are just back-stabbing bastards.”

So what advice does he have for anyone who finds themselves in this situation now that we know what’s going on?

“The next time a work colleague or loved one goes to leave the room when their phone rings, simply jump up and punch them in the face. Let them know that you know what they’re up to. You’ll feel better and they’ll think twice before bitching about you in future so everyone wins.”

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